22 October, 2010

Getting Ready for baby C

Even though I have given birth twice before, I feel like I am about to enter a world in which I've never been. I feel like cannot draw experience from Analee's birth since I had many interventions and it was very much doctor-orchestrated and medicated. Who knows how long I would have labored or pushed had I allowed my body to do what it was trying to do already. The experience was scary and exhausting and in hind site, I have many regrets. Brian's birth was natural and while it was very, very hard, it was so empowering and rewarding to do it all on my own. His position and possibly head size made for a very long end stage of labor. I had both Anlaee and Brian in a hospital.

I think being in a hospital gives you a, sometimes, false sense of security. Because if you wanted, you could (in a sense) give up and let someone else do the hard work. I don't think I felt safer in a hospital. No, safety isn't a concern of mine. We are having a home birth this time around and I have been having intense bouts of anxiety about going into labor. I know that birthing at home is very safe and I know that my midwife will take great care of both me and the baby. I think the anxiety is coming from the fact that at home, it's all me. I won't have that "back-up" plan of laying back and letting the drugs do the work.

And the funny thing is that I do not even WANT those drugs. I know I don't need them. I know that I CAN do this. After all, I did it drug-free once before, right? But coming to the realization that it really is "all me" this time and there is no going back sends me into a tiny anxiety attack if I allow myself to think about it too much.

I know I am ready, I know that I was created for this.

I was laying in bed last night thinking of the things I still need to do before birth. I started to feel sick to my stomach and wondered if these emotions were a sign of impending labor. I started doubting myself and my ability to birth at home. Immediately, the scripture & song Psalm 23 came to my mind. I know it doesn't go exactly like this, but I kept repeating to myself, "The LORD is my Shepherd. I will fear no obstacle, no pain, no task, no hardships, nothing. I know I am ready, I know that I was created for this."

Eventually I fell asleep, only to be awakened several times by Brian. :) I then wondered, again, if he was sensing a change and just needed to be close to me. So I welcomed him into my bed and we talked and snuggled for a (long) while before he finally fell asleep.

So I don't know if my anxiety and emotions or Brian's late night need for Momma are any indication of labor. But I do know that when it IS time, I will be ready. I don't doubt the day will be long and my body will be tired, but I know that I am ready.


Katie said...

Becky, I can't stop crying after reading this. You are so strong and I know you are going to do great! Part of me is a little bit jealous for the opportunity you have, but I know that I can be just as strong having my baby at the hospital. I'm praying for you and thinking about you all the time. In fact, just a few minutes ago, I was looking at the moon wondering how you were feeling. Stay strong and keep those verses in your head. Love you and I'm praying for you!!

Rebecca LaCount said...

I am confident that you are ready too. You are strong, beautiful, brave, tender, confident... and ready Mommy. God knows exactly what will take place when you have baby C... He knew that back when he was knitting you together in your mama's belly. He knows the story from beginning to end, but He also knows it from the end to beginning. Profound to me.

One of my favorite scriptures is Romans 8:26 (God's Spirit is right along side us helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans.)

I will be praying for you... but you will be too as you groan in labor. =) Love you.

April said...

Oh Becky, my heart is so excited for you to have such an empowering journey. Maybe it might ease your anxiety to know that if you wanted to, you have the power to say "I don't want to do this here anymore, let's go somewhere else." It seems backwards, but it worked for me. I was like you, my second was natural but in a hospital, my first I had so many regrets and it was really bad. I didn't want drugs with the third, I felt so much confidence and peace, and it just gave me a little more comfortability to know that I could have any outcome that I wanted, really- and the one that I wanted most came because I gave a little bit of room in my mind to understand there were other options, even if I didn't want them.

I think you'll do great. As a birthing woman, it's wonderful to feel vulnerable in that transition, it also gives your husband opportunity to protect and ensure your instinct to birth and nest. Lean on him.