22 October, 2010

Getting Ready for baby C

Even though I have given birth twice before, I feel like I am about to enter a world in which I've never been. I feel like cannot draw experience from Analee's birth since I had many interventions and it was very much doctor-orchestrated and medicated. Who knows how long I would have labored or pushed had I allowed my body to do what it was trying to do already. The experience was scary and exhausting and in hind site, I have many regrets. Brian's birth was natural and while it was very, very hard, it was so empowering and rewarding to do it all on my own. His position and possibly head size made for a very long end stage of labor. I had both Anlaee and Brian in a hospital.

I think being in a hospital gives you a, sometimes, false sense of security. Because if you wanted, you could (in a sense) give up and let someone else do the hard work. I don't think I felt safer in a hospital. No, safety isn't a concern of mine. We are having a home birth this time around and I have been having intense bouts of anxiety about going into labor. I know that birthing at home is very safe and I know that my midwife will take great care of both me and the baby. I think the anxiety is coming from the fact that at home, it's all me. I won't have that "back-up" plan of laying back and letting the drugs do the work.

And the funny thing is that I do not even WANT those drugs. I know I don't need them. I know that I CAN do this. After all, I did it drug-free once before, right? But coming to the realization that it really is "all me" this time and there is no going back sends me into a tiny anxiety attack if I allow myself to think about it too much.

I know I am ready, I know that I was created for this.

I was laying in bed last night thinking of the things I still need to do before birth. I started to feel sick to my stomach and wondered if these emotions were a sign of impending labor. I started doubting myself and my ability to birth at home. Immediately, the scripture & song Psalm 23 came to my mind. I know it doesn't go exactly like this, but I kept repeating to myself, "The LORD is my Shepherd. I will fear no obstacle, no pain, no task, no hardships, nothing. I know I am ready, I know that I was created for this."

Eventually I fell asleep, only to be awakened several times by Brian. :) I then wondered, again, if he was sensing a change and just needed to be close to me. So I welcomed him into my bed and we talked and snuggled for a (long) while before he finally fell asleep.

So I don't know if my anxiety and emotions or Brian's late night need for Momma are any indication of labor. But I do know that when it IS time, I will be ready. I don't doubt the day will be long and my body will be tired, but I know that I am ready.